THE UNUSUAL YEAR THAT WAS

I've been meaning to write about my 2018 for a while, but everytime I started thinking about what to write I got so overwhelmed I kept moving it from one to-do list to the next.

Today's the day I guess - much determination, no plan, no idea what the upcoming will look like; that kinda was the theme last year too.

This week last year I was made redundant. It sucked to be told that I didn't have a job anymore and I did have a lot of love for the business, but deep down I also knew it wasn't meant to be forever. I felt under-utilised while caring way too much. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do next either. So I took it as a sign that this was my chance to redesign my work world - this task we never seem to get around to because we're too busy/exhausted/distracted; this was the universe saying, you've got no excuses now.

Little did I know that not only my work world, but my whole world was gonna undergo a fair bit of redesigning. Relationship, family, friendships, identity - the challenges really lined themselves up last year. I learned so much, life has never so clearly shifted and evolved as it has over the last 12 months.

I learned that to a certain extent my partner and I are so fundamentally different that we will never be able to avoid offending each other at times. I realised that many things I was taught by my parents to hold as truths, are quite often not other people's truths - not because they're bad people, but simply because they grew up elsewhere, with a different set of parents, living life in a completely different way. I learned to ask "why" again - out of curiosity and eagerness to understand, not out of anger and frustration. I learned to remember that beyond every person's here and now, the words they say and the actions they take today, are history and experiences that guide their present being, whether they're aware or not and whether they were in control of that history or not... that doesn't make everything excusable, but once you realise what the roots look like, there are better chances of growth and forgiveness.

I learned to look at my own history, realising that beliefs and values are like glasses you put on; you need them to view the world but you can indeed change them. While it's hard to not believe that our parents want the best for us and know what's up, what they instil in us isn't the only way to live life. I learned that sometimes something expected to be earth-shattering can be the exact thing that clears the path to change. I learned to communicate with my family in a way where they have no choice but to "listen" - via messaging. I learned to love my family for the humans they are, rather than get frustrated at the expectations of what our relationships are meant to be.

I learned that anti-specialists aren't losers, but are called multipotentialites. I learned that I am one; one of those who scroll through general education electives at uni and wish they could do them all. I learned that owning a business doesn't motivate me, but running a business well does. More so, I learned that what I truly care about is supporting people's wellbeing and evolvement. I learned that it's ok to start over, as it is ok to stay put; it's more than ok to do a bit of both too. I learned to be a bit less stressed about situations out of my control, that thoughtful preparation can go a long way but no preparation can help you get something that's not meant to be yours. I learned to manage my time better so I can work on multiple projects at once, but also learned to move on swiftly after something is done, especially if it turned out to be absolute shit.

I learned that new routines can help one climb out of something that felt a lot like depression, that making one's bed and cooking breakfast in the morning can indeed count as an achievement for the day when nothing else seems to materialise. I learned to love journalling again, something that helped me release grudges and bitterness and self-pity, and made space in my heart to fully focus on my journey forward. I learned that when you're stuck, you need to let go and come back tomorrow. I learned that it's crucial to know who to call when you need unconditional love as well as honesty - not everyone knows how to provide you with this, but the ones that do will give you more than what you ever thought was possible in friendship.

I learned that perfectionism might earn me praise from others, but causes stuckness within me. I learned to do a bit more of "just get it going and see what happens". I learned that even if I don't continue on, I would've still gotten something out of it, and that there's nothing wrong with not continuing on if it doesn't feel right. I learned that chipping away at tiny goals every week, even if they don't amount to anything big, is a better use of time than agonising over the feasibility of some grand plan and deciding you can't do it. I learned that I, you, we can do it; we might hurt along the way but we can indeed do it if it's what we want - as they say, no pain no gain.

I learned that you really don't need much stuff to live a nice life; it's the environment, people and your state of mind that count the most. I realised we buy crap to fill other voids or make up for other shit we haven't dealt with in life; however I also learned just how much joy a purposefully selected item can bring. I learned that there are lots of fun and useful free resources out there that we don't seem to have the time to find and make use of, from libraries to podcasts to movies to education... there is really no excuse to ever feel bored again.

I learned to finally exercise regularly.

I learned to gain momentum by telling myself that I only have to do something for 15 minutes.

I learned to love listening to the news.

I learned that if you're willing to listen and give attention, you don't always have to know what to say.

I learned to accept that there will be plenty of people that don't get me, don't like me, think I'm weird or suspicious or confused or flaky... not everyone needs what I can give, and that's ok - more for the ones that do.

I learned that people can change your life with the smallest, most unassuming, least calculated gestures, so it pays to deliberately practise to be the best version of yourself until you just are; you will genuinely and naturally change lives in ways you will never be able to expect or plan for.

I learned that anything important in life will take a lot of time, and energy, and brain juice, and heartache, and patience. You know how important something is to you by your willingness to get up again, however long it takes to do so, after every single fall.

And I learned to get a bit better at trusting the universe, and myself.

☼

Despite all the strangeness, I wouldn't have wanted to change anything last year. All relationships in my life, including the one I have with myself, have genuinely evolved. I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin, and my compassion for others has taken on new meaning too - I guess it's just like learning about something new and then you start seeing it everywhere in the same environment you've always been in; the world has always been the same but your own world in it has expanded.

Good times were aplenty. I got to see new places, and spent many happy days at home, enjoying every moment of this incredibly special space. I fermented things, and made way too many choc chip cookies. I spent beach mornings and movie nights with friends, as well as hours upon hours on the phone talking about life, the world, and the most bizarre and fascinating things people get up to. I made some new friends, became closer friends with some existing ones, and connected with strangers. I went to pottery classes. I finished a game of Monopoly for the first time, and even won; what was most joyful though was feeling the heat around the table and feeling so damn grateful that I got to spend all these hours having fun with people I really care about. I got to visit the capital for the first time; I finally sat behind the steering wheel for the first time. I spent many hours in the car talking with Toby about things we had never talked about before (obviously not me behind the steering wheel). I spent quality time with family members I'd never had enough time for before. I ate street snacks with my sister that our parents always told us to stay away from (we didn't get sick). I got to spend time with Toby's whole family for the first time. I slept in a caravan (in Toby's parents' driveway, still though!). I instigated a pop-up market, and created mindful Christmas cards with friends. It really doesn't look like much, but as I mentioned before, once you strip things right back you realise quickly that it doesn't take much to feel true joy and gratitude.

What felt rather important to me was to write this while I'm still in limboland so to speak. We often open up about our struggles once we come out on the other side, celebratory and successful. We don't really talk about the days where things are just quietly simmering away, unsure of how long things will take or if they even amount to anything. I've been speaking to people about work, but nothing has been locked in yet. I've applied for uni, but I haven't completely made up my mind yet. I did bring some projects to life, and have pages and pages of notes on other ideas, but what their future looks like only time will tell.

I know that internally, I've got quite a bit of my shit together, but to the outside world it can look like I've done fuckall all year. I wanted to learn to be prouder of the things I have and can put out into the world, to be a bit more forthright when it comes to shining a light on myself for others to see. So I decided to finally put my own website together - a home for the type of work I want to do and have done, and a place to show everyone that doesn't know me that closely as much as possible of who I am and what I want to represent.

☼

I learned that things can be shiny on the outside, but when things are rotten on the inside, only you know. The choice and effort to revive the inside is yours only - nobody knows, and hardly anyone cares. It's up to you to decide whose feelings, pleasure and wellbeing are more important; I hope you know it's yours. It's a whole lot harder to try and get things right for ourselves than to please others, but the ones that truly have your best interest at heart will cheer you on... I will too.

Finally, while the year-end and year-start always seem to be an obvious occasion to stop and reflect, don't let the calendar year dictate when to set goals, make changes, invest time in your development and how to define your achievements. Dates are all but a reference tool - keep moving and take rests as you need. I've never made any new year's resolutions, but I also lived life for many years without any resolutions at all; these days I review my resolutions almost daily. Find a rhythm that keeps you going.

If you made it all the way to this sentence, THANK YOU for making time for me. It's a little scary to put all this out there, but we're all a bit scared sometimes aren't we? I wanted to share something that's not cool and glitzy, but rather boring, longwinded and a bit raw - hoping it might give someone else comfort, spark some conversations and maybe inspire some new connections. Message me if you want to get something off your chest and need an attentive ear... we will be ok.


xx