WE CAN ONLY GET BETTER: WHY I (ALSO) WANT TO TALK ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH

I came across these beautiful articles about the journey of creating a company mental health policy by the team at For The People. I was so moved and inspired, I decided I had to write some form of response in support and to join in on the efforts of continuing this conversation. I’ve done a bit of writing since but haven’t been pleased with most of what’s come together; I know the topic is so dear to me, however none of it yet truly reflected my sentiments when I talk about it with people face-to-face. So I tried again, this time asking myself the simplest question: why do I want to write about mental health?

First and foremost, because I care, and believe wholeheartedly that the more we talk about such publicly “uncomfortable” matters, the more comfortable it’s only gonna get.

 Image taken by me; Austin TX / June 2016

I’m inspired by the likes of Hannah Gadsby and Cameron Esposito who are sending powerful messages – that more people need to share their “too personal” stories; more people need to realise the issues behind the detrimental emotions and psychological costs these individuals endure; more people need to “get in the way” of people turning a blind eye and letting these issues get swept under the carpet.

I’m inspired by my beautiful friend L., who I love dearly and have such a strong bond with, while understanding the reality that I would never be able to truly know what it’s like to deal with her mental disorder. I want people to stop being afraid of the mere mention of “mental disorder” or “mental illness”, as I have the honour and blessing to be such close friends with someone that manages one. I’m proud to share that she’s one of the kindest, funniest, most determined, generous, hardworking, stylish and emotionally intelligent people I know. I want individuals like herself to live in a world where the focus lies on all the wonderful things she is and can do; where instead of feeling any need to hide her mental health experiences, she knows that everyone is rooting for her progress – the way we root for people that want to manage their physical illnesses and disorders.

I don’t live with a disorder, nor have I lived through any hardship or trauma. However I want to be part of this conversation because my heart breaks for the ones that do; the ones that have to contain these experiences within themselves and their homes as they worry people will distance themselves, or reduce them to this one aspect of their life if things come to light. I want for us to open up our hearts, remember our own pains, and ask ourselves what we wished for when we felt it: I’m sure we hoped for it to go away, and perhaps for someone to show up, embrace and assure us that it’s okay. I want us to remember the moments we felt lonely – when no one checked in, no one understood, no one bothered to ask. I want us to realise that just because we got over it, it doesn’t mean that it didn’t fucking hurt at the time. Please embrace others; bother to ask.



I hope to encourage others to recognise that mental health is part of everyone’s life just like physical health is; that actually, health = physical + mental + social wellbeing. That it can be delicate and easily affected, because it covers such a broad spectrum of our being and hence can be susceptible to anything and everything; that mental health issues aren’t a choice but an outcome of conditions and influences. I hope for more and more people to ask “why” and look for the roots, rather than only know to look at the “what” and feel challenged by the symptoms. For us to remember that the unknown is always a little scary, but the ones that have to go through the unknown are even more scared. For us to start viewing our external position as one capable of powerful support: that we might not know exactly what it feels like, but that we have the capacity to remain calm and offer some calmness, objectively look at the whole situation and help untangle things, as we aren’t enduring the pressures of the person going through the actual experience.

I hope for everyone to trust that if there is an issue and we know the cause, there will be a way to work with it. That we realise if we just leave the issue to exist and go somewhere we can’t see it, it doesn’t actually go away. That there are many ways to heal, recover, manage the situation, and get stronger. That it’s okay if we don’t know the answer – but we should care enough to help each other find someone that might. For us to ask ourselves, would I brush it off if this were someone I loved dearly? For us to be reminded that we’re all human.

I hope for us to realise that we don’t have to go out there and change the world, but that it starts with our own attitude. That if we listened rather than avoid the situation, asked questions rather than offload our opinion at the nearest opportunity, remembered our own loneliness rather than send someone off saying “you’ll work it out”… we would already make a difference. It’s not about doing everything for others, but about supporting them to get to a place where they know what to do, and helping them believe that they can do it. The gesture can be big or small; nonetheless any gesture is better than none.

I really hope for us to shift the focus from “problem” to “improvement”, to talk about mental health the way we do about physical health – without much hesitation.

I hope for us to be more attuned to our emotional and psychological world, and be curious about why we feel the way we do. For us to actually get to know ourselves better, and acknowledge our good as much as our bad. For that to get us thinking about whether we want to do something about what we don’t like, or whether it’s just easier not to deal with it. That hopefully, we learn to love and respect ourselves more than that.

I hope for us to recognise that the only way we can shift our attitude for others, is for us to first shift our attitude for ourselves. That we’re not perfect, but we can get better. That everyone has flaws, and that it would give all of us a chance to breathe a little if everyone was brave enough to own theirs. Doesn’t mean that you aren’t amazing at other things. Doesn’t mean that the flaw has to stay that way – someone might have something really cool to show you when they realise you want to progress. Doesn’t mean that anyone can ever take your goodness away from you – when you give some of it away, it magically continues to exist in its wholeness. We can only fucking get better.

I hope for us to stop being so squirmy about feelings, emotions, stuff that goes on in human minds. Just because we can’t hold it, see it, smell it, doesn’t mean it’s not real… it is, because everyone can feel it. Just because you don’t experience that many, or you bury them and don’t deal with them, doesn’t mean you don’t have any.

Invite them in. And you know what you can do when something seems scary? You get a friend to do it with you. Be both the person letting your emotions in, and the friend (not at the same time… although it’s possible; try a diary). Like they say, it’ll get easier with practice.